Sunday, August 31, 2014

One Year After Birth Confessional

I have a confession to make…

A year ago I…
    Had an induced labor,               
    Gave birth in a hospital,           
    Had an epidural,           
    Had an episiotomy           
    Only breastfed for 6 weeks,           
    And suffered from postpartum depression. 

Honestly… these things didn’t bother me until… I got on the internet seeking support. Do you know what I found instead? Hate… Shame… Ridicule... Judgment… Pride... to name a few. These bloggers (who are mamas, just like you and me) had me questioning if my birth was in any way God-honoring or brave. They had me feeling about as worthless as a piece of garbage and questioning my purpose and ability as a mother.

But can I say something here… Violet (my daughter) and I went through all those “medical/ hospital/ unnatural” experiences together… and one year later? We are doing really well! And you know what else? We chose to vaccinate too. The truth is, I am thankful to God for the medical profession and hospitals. I know they are only human, but we had a scare with Vi’s heart rate in the hospital right after birth (and a week later that resulted in an overnight PICU stay) and without those nurses, doctors, and pediatric cardiologists we wouldn’t have learned about her bradycardia (that, praise God, she grew out of!)

So… there it is… I put it out there. Go ahead… judge me. Because let me tell you… you can’t possibly shame or judge me any worse than I have been shaming and judging myself. It has been a year since this all happened yet everyday IG, blogs, FB, etc. have reminded me of what a “failure” I was and have been. The good news, however, is that I don’t serve the standards of this world. And I have to believe that the Lord guided our steps and knew exactly how He was leading us. I’m tired of feeling depressed and regretful. Aren’t you? “THIS is the day that the Lord has made. We will REJOICE and be GLAD in it!” (Psalm 118:24)

And to make sure that I am properly understood… I think however God led you to birth or feed your baby is WONDERFUL. I really do! My purpose is to support, in addition to sharing my raw heart.Can I say one more thing? Mama, sister, grandma, aunt, god mama… You ARE doing a good job.  Look at the fruit of your labor! In my heart I feel that if you are following the Lord’s guidance and your babies are happy and healthy, then you are doing a pretty terrific job. 

Proverbs 3:5-6…
“Trust  in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” 

Violet and I when she was 3 months old.

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